


Touch

by Dejahthoris



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! - All Media Types, Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, I don't really wanna put it under angst since it's not really buuuuut, Other, Touch Aversion, Touch-Starved, Touchy-Feely, angst-ish, reader has a problem with touch, touched-starved Atem, wow that's not even a tag I'm gonna stop now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24931702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dejahthoris/pseuds/Dejahthoris
Summary: Atem's love of affection became apparent to you rather early on, even before you two started dating. The touch-starved ex-pharaoh meant well of course, but, what happens when his affections lead you to realize that you're the exact opposite?(or, to put it simply, an Atem stays AU where Atem's a touchy-feely cutie, but you have to work through the fact that you flinch and shy away when touched.)
Relationships: Atem (Yu-Gi-Oh)/Reader, Yami Yuugi/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 64





	Touch

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to do a little something centered around my headcanon that Atem's touch-starved for a while now, I just couldn't think of much of a plot until now. The reader's situation is based on my own experiences and feelings, my own "problems" with physical contact that I've been trying to work through. It was actually a bit therapeutic to write about and hopefully some of you guys identify with the reader, or are at least interested in the contrast between them and Atem <3

It became clear to you even as early as a month or two after Atem regained his body; after he was sent back to earth and freed to live his natural life with Yugi, you, and the rest of the gang. You suspected that he became more comfortable, once again being in his own skin and in possession of his memories, and that comforted state made him more willing to...indulge, or perhaps explore his own habits and wants.

You would have never suspected it, seeing as how the pharaoh had always been a bit distant in some ways. Always caring, supportive, and kind, of course, but distant. You would have never suspected it, but Atem was actually a rather touchy person.

It was never anything bad, never lewd or anything that crossed a line. Rather it was his hand on your shoulder paired with an encouraging squeeze. It was a gentle touch brushing between your shoulder blades as he came to stand beside you. His fingers wrapping around yours in a brief greeting, and maybe even lingering there as he smiled at you. 

It wasn’t even just with you, he clapped Jonouchi on the back all the time, touched Anzu’s upper arm when she talked to him, hugged Yugi as often as he could. The list went on.

Still, despite the innocence of his touches and the fact that they weren’t directed solely at you, it made something of your own come to a sudden light. Something you hadn’t given much attention to, or even realized on a conscious level- not until you found yourself tensing against those gentle touches and flinching ever so slightly as his fingers brushed against you. You hadn’t ever realized it, but it seemed that had a bit of an issue with casual touching.

You hated your reactions, hated the way you seemed to instinctively recoil from him when he put his arm around you, or the way your very mind jolted when his hands touched yours. You hated it because you didn’t want to feel that way with Atem’s casual affections, you didn’t want to feel ill at ease or downright edgy and upset when he held you.

When you realized just how not-okay you actually were with touch, you did plenty of soul searching and reflecting on your past, wondering where this came from. There was perhaps an incident or two that might have led to this. Words said or an action done that had tarnished your association with physical contact, though you hadn’t realized it at the time, or the coming years since. Not until now.

It didn’t sit well with you at all. You wanted to like Atem’s displays, you wanted to not have those automatic reactions when he showed you those affections. He didn’t seem to notice at first, at least not before his casual touches became something more. Not before he was able to show you that he  _ felt _ something more, for you. 

When Atem kissed you for the first time, your body and heart were at strange odds. Your heart raced with want and elation, even as your shoulders shifted ever so slightly away from his hand as he stroked your back to pull you deeper into the kiss. You didn’t want to ruin that moment, that first wonderful kiss, because damn it you loved Atem and wanted to show him that you did.

He didn’t notice it then, but as one would suspect, after entering a relationship with each other, his affections only increased. He loved hugging you from behind, loved brushing your hair away from your face or neck so he could place a chaste kiss on your cheek or shoulder. And when you two sat together, even with friends, he seemed to almost always have a hand on you, rubbing gently across your knee, grazing the small of your back, or taking your hand in his own.

Atem hadn’t noticed your “issue” at first, but with that increased intimacy, it wasn’t long before he started to. Notice the way you tensed even as you hugged him back, or the barely noticeable flinch you gave when he rubbed your back even as you smiled at him; the way you seemed to pull away from his hands before you caught yourself.

He must have noticed eventually though, because before you knew it, Atem was starting to pull away. You noticed the way he’d reach out to you, just short of grazing his fingers across your side or taking your hand in his, before suddenly pulling back. You didn’t miss the way he shortened his hugs and lessened his chaste kisses; not lingering in the embrace nearly long enough and only giving you pecks on the cheek when you said goodbye. And though his consideration was appreciated and moved you, in the long run, you hated it. Hated that he felt like he had to deprive himself because of your reactions- especially since another part of you didn’t want him to pull away at all.

You wanted to be okay with touch, with his affections, you yearned for a day when you wouldn’t instinctively flinch away from his hands and hugs. Because no matter how or why you had that aversion, you wanted to be...better. You wanted to welcome his affections and return them in kind, but it seemed that simply wasn’t the case. Simultaneously craving touch as well as disliking it on some deep barely explored level, it was an odd situation to be in.

Slowly, you tried to get used to the physical contacts and did so by initiating them yourself. You actively told yourself to lean on his shoulder during quiet moments, to hug him with every greeting and parting, or reach out and take his hand as you walked. In some small way it might be working, but again, much like when he had first kissed you, your heart and the rest of your body were at odds. 

One second you were wanting to sigh in content as you leaned against him and felt his arm wrap around you, but the next your skin started to prickle with an anxious unease. It was rather infuriating, honestly, the waring reactions making you want to scream! Perhaps you just needed time, but you wanted to be over this personal hurdle now. Or at least sooner rather than later.

***

It took Atem longer than he wanted to admit to notice it. Perhaps at first, when he had been granted a second chance at life, he was too caught up in his own reality, his own wants and habits. Having his own body as well as his memories back was astonishing at first and in some ways, he almost had to rediscover himself. In that discovery, he actively took notice to a quirk most may not expect a powerful pharaoh to have.

He noticed it in the way his hands reached out before he even thought, the way his skin tingled and warmed when someone hugged him back or touched him in turn. He remembered when he was young, how he had gravitated towards Mana not only for her bright and pure heart but because she was one of the few in the palace who never withheld her affections around him. He carried royal blood and, among his people, that made him a god- and mortals were not permitted to touch the body of a god so lightly.

There was a word for it in the modern age, and Atem admitted to himself quite early on that he was “touch starved”. His father had hugged and held him plenty when he was a child, but that decreased as he got older and most around him were barely willing to look him in the eyes, let alone show him any kind of affection that wasn’t verbal. He supposed five thousand years trapped alone in darkness didn’t help either. So much loneliness, endless and unyielding until the moment Yugi solved the puzzle, the mere memory of it still kept him awake some nights. No, it hadn’t helped at all. Nor did the years he spent as a specter, only able to view and receive the world through the lens of Yugi’s body. Even when others did hug him and clap him on the back when in control, it felt...numb in away. As if the skin not truly being his own made it impossible to truly feel touch the way he once had. And that only made him crave touch more.

It was easier now, with you, Yugi, and the rest of the gang. None of you cared that deeply about his (now irrelevant) royal status, and given how close he had become to all of you, no one seemed to think much of it when he brushed his fingers along a friend’s back or hugged someone just a second or two longer than most.

Then of course, there was the touch he wanted most. The rare times he felt you hug him back or give his hand a gentle squeeze before pulling away made him feel a level of warm content he has never experienced before. He should have noticed it then, long ago, but perhaps he was too caught up in how you made him feel to notice. And of course, he was too busy figuring out the best way to act on the feelings he’d had for you even as a spirit sharing Yugi’s body. 

Now that he was his own man again, free to live a life of his own, there was little stopping him from finally showing you how deeply he cared for you- Well, little aside from his own failings when it came to romance. That department was the only place he seemed to become awkward and inept, but he pushed through it all the same!

The first time he had kissed you it felt like his body was soaring; his hand rubbing along your back and pulling you closer, your own fingers gripping his biceps as if you needed grounding or held up so you wouldn’t fall. And now that the door to romance was open, Atem could...indulge even more and sate his need for touch by holding your hand, pulling you into his arms, and planting loving kisses along your skin. 

Well, that is until he finally took notice to something. To the fact that you didn’t exactly seem all that comfortable with physical contact. 

He finally noted the way you almost- almost, seemed to pull away from him. The way you flinched when his hand brushed your side or slid across your stomach as he hugged you from behind. You always smiled at him and seemed to put effort into returning the affections, but he couldn’t ignore those reactions.

Never, not for one moment, did Atem want to make you uncomfortable. Perhaps you didn’t like how often he showed affection, perhaps you were simply uncomfortable with  _ his _ kinds of affection, or perhaps it was something else entirely. Either way, Atem hated the idea of making you uneasy, no matter how much he craved you. So he pulled back, he made himself stop when he found himself snaking his arms around you, or brushing his hands against you. He still showed you affection, especially on the nights curled together on your couch, but he decreased it by a notable amount, and prayed you would forgive him for not noticing your discomfort sooner.

You must have taken notice of it because soon enough, you were increasing how often  _ you _ initiated affection. More often than ever you pulled him into hugs, you reached out to take his hand or pressed your lips to his. And though he wanted to melt into your touch, he hated it. Hated that you felt the need to satisfy him at your own expense, hated that you thought you had to put aside your discomfort to appease him.

Atem loved you, by the gods did he love you, and he’d be damned if his love turned into a selfish one. He refused to cross your line of comfort, refused to let his own needs and wants override your boundaries. No matter how much he ached for you, no matter how elated your touch made him feel, he would not let you suffer for that, for him.

***

You stretched your arms over your head after taking the last bite of pizza, full and content. It was Friday, a night you and your beloved boyfriend always set aside for movies and some alone time. Hanging out with the gang was great and all, but sometimes a couple needed time to themselves. You caught the way Atem smiled before shifting his gaze back to the TV as you leaned back against your couch.

After a moment, you stole a glance at him, how relaxed he looked with his arm resting on the back of the couch and supporting his head as he watched the movie. He shifted slightly as you looked on, and you noted the way he almost (almost) seemed to lean in closer to you. You knew he was probably wanting, wishing to cuddle you close like he had so often on these nights alone.

You scooted closer until you were nestled under his arm and against his side, before resting your head on his chest. As if on instinct, Atem’s arm moved from supporting his head, to wrap tightly around you. His warmth felt nice and you could hear and feel the steady beating of his heart under your ear. However, you already sensed that irritating unease creeping up, waiting to crawl across your skin the longer he held you.

Then, you felt Atem heave a sigh and he whispered your name- before he pulled away!

You looked up at him, wide-eyed and mouth agape, “Atem? What’s wrong?”

He wasn’t looking at you, instead scratching the back of his neck as he sighed again, more frustrated this time. Finally, he looked at you again, but only for a moment before he breathed your name again and grabbed the tv remote. After smashing the pause button and setting the remote aside, he moved again and faced you fully.

“You don’t have to do that,” he said, tone firm, but gentle, almost abashed. “You don’t have to force yourself to show me affection like that.”

Your heart sank and an uneasy heat rose under your skin. So he had noticed, everything apparently, not only your discomfort but your efforts to push through said discomfort.

“Atem, I-”

“I’m sorry,” he cut in, averting his eyes, hands tightening as he shook his head. “I should have noticed sooner, how uncomfortable I was making you. I was being selfish, I didn’t even realize I was forcing my affections on you.”

“You weren’t!” your voice was louder than you had meant it to be, but you couldn’t help it with the borderline panic rising in your chest. “Atem, you weren’t- I mean I didn’t-” you cursed under your breath and ran a desperate hand over your face, trying to collect yourself. After a moment, you found your voice again and tried to push through the awkwardness. “Atem, I know you didn’t mean anything bad by it. You weren’t ‘forcing your affections’ on me. I get it, you’re a touchy person, I’m not going to hold that against you.”

“But now you feel like you have to put aside your own feelings to please me,” there was a bite in his tone and he still wasn’t looking at you, instead narrowing his eyes at the coffee table. “I don’t want you to feel that way. I love you, and I want to respect your boundaries, I want to respect  _ you _ .”

A not entirely unwelcome fluttering started in your chest. You really had won the boyfriend lottery with Atem. After a few beats of silence, you whispered his name and reached out, brushing your hand along his cheek until he finally looked at you, gorgeous eyes meeting your own.

“The truth is, I want to be as affectionate as you. I want to be okay with your PDA and touches- damn it I really really do! I hate that I can’t reciprocate, hate that I can’t even really control how I respond. But I’m trying to get better with it. Yeah, part of it was because I wanted to make sure you weren’t...unsatisfied in the affection department, but it wasn’t just that. I want to be more affectionate too. I want to sit here and cuddle with you for hours, I want to hold your hand while we’re walking down the street, I want to rest my head on your shoulder while we’re spending time with the gang- I want all of it! I think...I think I just need time. Time and practice.”

You took a deep breath, feeling a bit shaky from your mini-rant, then your hand fell from his cheek to take his hand in yours. He finally seemed to ease a little, his shoulders losing some of their tenseness and he leaned in a bit closer.

He whispered your name again, “I just...I don’t want to push you. Promise me you will take your time with this? If you want to hold my hand or be held, that would be nice, but only if you want to. I can wait until you’re completely comfortable in my arms.”

You smiled at him, feeling as though something achy was finally being lifted from your whole body. It felt nice, to be honest and open. Then you leaned in and pressed your lips to his, relishing the way his breath caught in his throat and how he moved in perfect sync with you. The hand holding yours tightened a bit, and a jerk of movement indicated that he was wanting to do something with his free hand too. To test the proverbial waters, and also genuinely wanting to deepen the kiss, you took his free hand in yours and guided him to cup your face. His thumb ran along your cheek and he moaned a little when you nipped at his bottom lip.

“I promise,” you whispered against his lips sometime later, “promise I’ll take my time getting better at this. I love you.”

“I love you too,” he breathed, pressing his forehead to yours as he continued to stroke your cheek.

The two of you lingered there for a while, simply enjoying each other and this open, honest state. Then eventually, Atem pulled back and gave you a small smile.

“I could tell you were getting tense in my embrace earlier, so we don’t have to cuddle during the rest of the movie if you don’t want to.”

You bit your lip, mulling over the truth of his words, even as you wished they weren’t true. “I think I’d be okay with holding hands while we’re sitting here, if that’s okay.”

Atem’s smile softened and he began shifting his pose back towards the TV, “I would like that.”

You settled back into a more comfy position too as he pressed play, one hand resting in your lap, the other holding his as he gently, rather absentmindedly, stroked the back of your hand with his thumb. Only a minute or so passed before you got a certain almost whimsical urge. You brought your clasped hands up and pressed a chate kiss to the back of Atem’s hand, before dropping them back to his lap. You relished the almost bashful smile he flashed you, since a bashful Atem was a rare Atem. 

Yeah, it may take some time, but being with a man who was equal parts respectful and loving, you were pretty confident you could reach that higher level of affectionate someday.


End file.
